Learning to Walk on Water
Its been a long ten or so days. I tried to sum it all up for y'all in an incredibly long post over the weekend, and then the internet ate it. Long story very, very short: things did not go as expected following my post-chemo CT exam.
I wasn't really concerned waiting on my test results. I've known in that deep place reserved only for things of which there can be no doubt that cancer had left by body shortly following chemo round three.
So what happened after my team walked into the exam room with the radiology report in hand was not what I had pictured.
This is an abbreviated overview of how we got to here from there.
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"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!" And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me - holy is his name.
Luke 1:45-49 (Hope Church, August 14, 2016).
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Doctor #1 tells me that the chemotherapy did not work. My scan has remained unchanged. He tells me there is disease "all over [my] body" - my abdomen, liver, lymphnodes, and spots all over my chest. He recommends two new clinical trials.
I drive to meet my sponsor and hear God reaffirm what I already knew - I do not need anymore chemotherapy.
A handful of hours later my sponsor tells me that God wanted her to tell me something - that I don't need to do more chemo. I had not yet told her what God had told me.
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So Jesus went with him, and a large crowd was following and pressing against Him. A woman suffering from bleeding for 12 years had endured much under many doctors. She had spent everything she had and was not helped at all. On the contrary, she became worse. Having heard about Jesus, she came behind Him in the crowd and touched His robe. For she said, "If I can just touch His robes, I'll be made well!" Instantly her flow of blood ceased, and she sensed in her body that she was cured of her affliction.
At once Jesus realized in Himself that power had gone out from Him. He turned around in the crowd and said, "Who touched My robes?"
His disciples said to him "You see the crowd pressing against You, and You say, 'Who touched Me?'"
So He was looking around to see who had done this. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came with fear and trembling, fell down before Him, and told Him the whole truth. "Daughter," He said to her, "your faith has made you well. Go in peace and be free from your affliction."
Mark 5:24-34 (She Reads Truth, August 18, 2016).
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Doctor #2 agrees that the chemotherapy did not work. She tells me my disease is not curable, and that her goal would be to stabilize my disease using weekly chemotherapy for as long as my body could tolerate it. Once the chemotherapy was no longer tolerable, the goal would shift to making me comfortable.
I tell her this is not an option.
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Here is the problem. As I've written before, my surgeon is quite confident that she removed all of the disease during my surgery. While there are things on my CT scan that could potentially indicate cancer - nodules in my lungs, the lesion on my liver, swollen lymphnodes - they are things that would appear in almost any person who have lived any period of time and they are not necessarily cancer. For example, all but one of the nodules have been present in my CT scans since 2012 and have remained unchanged.
What is causing these doctors concern is not the CT scan. Its my CA125 - my tumor marker number. Its has bobbled up and down in the same general range the entire time I have been doing chemo - but has never reached a "normal" level. But as many of my healers have explained to me repeatedly, the CA125 is a very poor indicator of the presence of disease. It can be impacted by numerous things that are not cancer at all.
So I'm not sold on the idea that I still have cancer. And God is telling me that even if I do, I don't need chemo to heal it.
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Doctor #3 cancels my appointment at the last minute.
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Everything is possible for one who believes.
Mark 9:23 (She Reads Truth, August 25, 2016).
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Doctor #4 agreed to see me even though he was not taking new patients. He spent over an hour with me pouring over my extensive file - which he had reviewed the day before with his partner. He is the first medical professional to take time to explain to me the whys and why nots and ins and outs of everything that had already happened and what might happen next.
"I see no reason whatsoever to give an asymptomatic 37 year old with a clean scan additional chemotherapy just because of an elevated CA125," he tells me.
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I have decided not to pursue any additional chemotherapy or immunotherapy at this time. For months now, God has been speaking so clearly to me its as if He has resurrected again and is sharing tea with me by my favorite window at the coffee shop. I do not need anymore treatment. That is not a part of God's plan.
This isn't a decision I've made lightly. I've prayed about it, discussed it repeatedly with my sponsor, talked it through with my pastor. I have sought out opinion after opinion and the opinion of the last doctor is the only one that makes sense to me on the logical and spiritual levels.
This doesn't mean I plan to do nothing. I will be sharing more details of my new path with y'all soon, and through it all my new doctor will be monitoring my CA125. If it rises to a concerning level, we will do another scan and see whats going on and revisit the idea of chemotherapy. Until then, I plan to fully utilize the other healers God has gifted me in this space.
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After round three of chemo was completed, I tattooed "Hineini" - Here I Am - inside my left arm. God was calling and I answered - just as so many of my forefathers did. I wasn't agreeing to do the easy thing, or the obvious thing. I was answering His call to make His glory known here on earth. Turns out - I need to take an incredible leap of faith to do that.
Do I trust God enough to risk my life?
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I've heard it said that if you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.